Can we just meet in the middle

I would like nothing more than to have a day that just meets in the middle, you know? One that is neither too incredible bad nor too incredibly good, just right there in the middle.

Yesterday started off ok--I finally (after over a year) found time to go to a support group meeting with my mom. It was basically just as she said it would be, however one thing was different even for her this time. The social worker usually doesn't lead the group, he just kinda let's them go where ever they may.......but this time he didn't. Instead he asked around everyone's opinion on life post transplant and if they thought they had changed..................................

Yes, he did this totally for my benefit. I love him :) (if you're lost, read back a 5-10 posts about it)

In the car on the way home, we were talking about it and that came up. I told my mom that he had done that strictly for my benefit. She asked why, so I told her that I had emailed him about two or three weeks ago about this particular subject and that I felt like since he asked me to try and come--and I did come up---that that was his way of trying to help me out...

Which of course started a whole new conversation on why I think everything has changed. An how my mom doesn't think she has really changed that much, although my father chimed in and said he knew he had changed ALOT. An my mom said something to me that really really has me thinking now...

She said that since this all happened (the liver business, the illness, the close to death, the transplant), she could see a real bitterness come out in me and that it hurt her heart to know that I felt like this was something that was so unfair and how wrong it was that it happened to us. I told her that yes, I did think it was unfair, so totally unfair for this to happen to this man.

So I came home and I thought more about it and yes, I am bitter about it all. It has changed me forever--and there enlies the problem. Everything, everyone even myself--has changed.

So anyway, I felt ok about it and almost felt as though we had a breakthrough of sorts...

Till I came home. Said friend from several posts back is still pretty much ingnoring me. We talked for about an hour or so (kinda) on Sunday...it was very strained and odd, and then Monday he was in such a bad mood that he talked to me for about 25 minutes until he just HAD to get out of his house. Last night he talked to me for about 10 minutes..he was meeting his father for dinner at 6...would call me if he got in at a decent hour. I don't know about you, but I don't normally need 3-4 hours...and a decent hour would have been before 10...

But I did talk to someone else from work last night who misses me terribly. She confirmed that Mark hadn't really been there much in the past week and that no, he had not said anything about it (the letting go that is). She did talk about one time he did mention it, and he was using it almost as a threat to another employee, kinda like, "See, I fired her--I can fire you too"...

Fucking asshole. So that of course changed the mood back to "grrr".

Just meet me in the damn middle!

I'm off to help my mother mow the yard. Gotta keep busy somehow!?

xoxo